


Hooked on Sugar

by ZevakRitpel



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst and Humor, Awkward Flirting, Bad Flirting, Host Clubs, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Investigations, M/M, Police, Romantic Comedy, Sexual Content, Slow Romance, but there will also be.., update tags as i update chapters u know how it is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-04-17 17:19:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14193846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZevakRitpel/pseuds/ZevakRitpel
Summary: Hijkata is leading investigations on a new narcotic called "Love" that's been hitting the streets lately.Lucky for him, he has a new source, a mysterious host that works in the dark heart of the city, that has valuable information about "Love". And oh boy, does Hijikata ever learn about Love.If you know what I mean.





	1. If The Gorilla Can Have Long Drawn Out Chapter Titles Then So Can I

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first gintama fic please be gentle with me !
> 
> i'm kinda just having fun writing this so i hope you also have fun !
> 
> suga

Nightfall marks the beginning of the working day for the denizens of this shadier part of town. The dim golden glow of display lights and lamps flickers and illuminates these paved streets like an artificial dawn, a beacon for the sinners to come forth like moths to a flame.

And so, these creatures of the night emerge and fill the bars, gambling houses, brothels, and other such savoury establishments, staining the sharp autumn air with the din of drunken laughter and the scent of tobacco and perfume.

Behind the gaudy, bright walls decorated with the promise of fantasies fulfilled, power is exchanged and blood is shed on a nightly basis. Such are the inner workings of this district, where money flows like dirty water through cesspools of lust and gluttony; indeed, a brighter light casts darker shadows.

But within these shadows, amidst the countless insects losing themselves to pleasure or greed, there is one man set apart from the rest. Even a casual observer can see this man is different; he walks with the gait of an upright, disciplined samurai, and is surrounded by an air of severity. Untouchable, not even by the filth of his surroundings.

Ah. No. Actually, the man, Hijikata Toshiro-san, is still touched by filth --the filth of mayonnaise, which--

“Oi. Sougo. Drop the narration” Hijikata Toshiro-san bluntly cuts in, reaching the limits of his frayed patience.

Okita drops the narration and, without missing a beat, tilts his head as he adopts a drawl dripping with mock-concern:

“Hijikata-saaaaan, you should really relax~, you’re gonna be marked as a cop in no time, then these off-duty clothes will have no meaning. ”

Hijikata slips a cigarette between his lips and fumbles through his sleeves of his yukata, searching for a lighter. Shit, where’d he put it …

“Doesn’t matter if these degenerates mark me. Yamazaki’s the only one that needs to maintain his undercover position for this job, that has nothing to do with me.”

“Don’t you think that’s pretty inconvenient for the source? We’re meeting him soon ,and he might not want to be associated with the police. Ah, here I have a light for you,” Okita asks with an almost believably sincere tone, pushing a grenade into Hijkata’s right hand.

“Right. Speaking of the source, who exactly is this guy again?” Hijikata, having finally found a lighter on his person, swats Okita’s unwelcome offering away.

“You told me he works in this area and that he apparently has information on the new drug. Where did you find someone like that?”

“Hmmmm…..”

Sougo pauses, wordlessly staring at Hijikata with blank red eyes. A response that bodes...the opposite of well.

“Sougo..?”

“So sorry, Hijikata-san, Kondo-san just now is calling me. An emergency. Can’t be helped.Take care.” Sougo recounts in a deadpan voice, slowly inching away as he speaks.

“An emerg-? That’s obviously not true, you left your phone in the car, how could you possibly--SOU--....go..........and he booked it..............................fucking brat.”

With a weary sigh, Hijikata shits his position, stepping into the back alley that was designated meeting spot. It’s fine, he can handle this job himself anyways while Sougo’s flaky ass runs off to hell or whatever it is he’s up to this time.

Would’ve at least been nice to know what the source looks like, but that’s already too much to ask of Sougo. Whatever.

This guy shouldn’t be a problem for Hijkata.

While he waits, Hijikata flicks the lighter a few, times but can only summon weak sparks.

“Tch. Empty.”

“Ehhhh~, are you referring to my eyes? I get that a lot, you know.”

Hijikata startles at the sound of the unfamiliar voice, his cigarette nearly falling from his mouth. He hadn’t sensed anyone’s presence just a moment ago, and yet….

Hijikata glances up to see……a man’s face.

Mere inches away from his own.

Dull red eyes framed by dark lashes, and silver curls that seem to glow in spite of the shrouded darkness of the alleyway. His lips curled into a knowing smile, taking a long drag of a menthol smoke.

Hijikata doesn’t recoil, not even as the man tilts his head, touching the glowing orange embers of his cigarette to the unlit end of Hijikata’s own.

Both men inhale in unison.

After Hijikata’s cigarette is lit, the silver man grins and pulls back, just a little. He’s wearing a blood red collared shirt, unbuttoned at the chest. Sleeves, rolled up. A delicate silver chain hanging off his neck.

He’s close enough that, in spite of the menthol smoke, Hijikata can smell the lingering scents of alcohol and sweat, and another, fainter scent....cologne. A sweet smell, almost nostalgic... 

“You know, nicotine’s bad for your health, Hijikata-han~” hums the stranger, taking another provocative puff, pouting his lips to exhale a thin stream of smoke.

Hijikata tenses, suddenly aware that his back is against the wall of the building lining the alley.

“I don’t remember introducing myself to you…”

Could he be Sougo’s source? Ugh. He’s a real fucking handful is what he is.

“Eh? But of course Oogushi-han’s handsome face is known even in this area.”

“You. JUST said my name right, right? I know you know my name”

“It’s not good for a man to be so hung up on the details. Ah, but if your ‘details’ are ‘hung’ then I suppose I could be bothered to get to know you--”

“Do you want to die???”

An honest question.

“Ahahha now, now, no need to get aggressive~,” the silver stranger hums, backing away lightly with his palms raised defensively. He slowly reaches to the breast pocket of his shirt; the gaudy golden watch on his wrist rattles from the motion.

“You wouldn’t want to harm a ~valuable source~ to your narcotics investigation, would you???”

So this bastard is Sougo’s source. Is there a reason he didn’t just lead with that ? WhaTEVER.

The source pulls out a small black business card between two fingers and twirls it as he offers it to Hijikata. The card reads:

CLUB JOY : ✿~SHIRO~✿

“At your service “

A host, huh…… his flashy looks certainly match up with the ambiance of a host or a gigolo. However, Hijikata’s honed instincts sense something more….dangerous...behind that stupid idiotic dead-fish-eyed face WOW this guy’s annoying to look at.

Hijikata clicks his tongue, willing himself to calm down. The information, he’s here for the information. The rest doesn’t matter.

“Alright, uhh, Shi...hmmm…...you, why don’t we m--”

“Ah, not so fast. My services don’t come for free, you know. I’ll need payment up front.”

Hijikata flinches; ugh, that’s right. Kondo left him with a packet of cash for the exchange. Hopefully he doesn’t demand over that because Hijikata would rather not have to --

Again, before Hijikata can even react, this bastard manifests before him like some kind of perverted silver demon, lightly trailing his fingers against Hijikata’s jawline.

“Mmmm  before I tell you about 'Love', Oogushi-han, I’ll accept a kiss. Though that sadistic little Soichiro-kun of yours mentioned something about you being a complete mayonnaise addict, so the value of one kiss might decrease substantially. Three mayonnaise kisses roughly add up to one normal kiss, so -

 

“Mm. Yeah. So you do want to die. Okay.”

“KIDDING, HIJIKATA-hAN I’M …. - P P p LEASE PUT THE SWORD DOWN”

Turns out Hijikata WOULD want to harm a ~valuable source~ to his narcotics investigation. Huh.


	2. I Was Gonna Try A Lot Harder With The Chapter Titles But Frankly I'm Not As Funny As I'd Like To Think That I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's like a first date but nothing at all like a first date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another short chapter! i hope it's ok (sobs). got a lot of finals stress goin on right now, but hopefully next week when i am a freebird i'll be able to sit down and write out a longer chapter update for u all ! for once !! ahhhhh!!
> 
> THANKS FOR READING I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY SILLY STORY

“So?”

“So  _ what _ ” mutters the so-called ‘Shiro’, pouting deeply as he curls his pinky finger up against his nostril. 

With his free hand, the hand that’s not diligently digging through his nose, he rubs the pink mark on his forehead, courtesy of Hijikata flicking him in retaliation for crossing the line.

Probably won’t even bruise, but that’s sure not stopping this flashy bastard from bitching about it like it’s a flesh wound.

“How are you going to make up for blemishing my handsome face like this, huh?! Typical tax thief, going straight for my moneymaker.” 

“Oiiii, hasn’t your character changed too much since the last chapter?!”

“Hmph!” ‘’Shiro’ slumps back against his booth seat, flicking God-knows-what off his pinky before flagging down a waitress. 

“That’s just a business habit! Don’t take everything so seriously, jeez.  Ah, nee-san? Another choco-parfait please~”

This is his third round of parfait in the span of twenty minutes.

At first, Hijikata thought this ‘Shiro’ character was joking, when he insisted on dragging Hijikata  to this restaurant so he could, quote, “heal his wounds with sweets”.

He knows better now. This sugar addiction is no joke…

Hijikata takes a sip of his ordered coffee (black), absently regarding his surroundings.

To think there would be such an ordinary-looking restaurant open at this time of night. A quiet, off-to-the-side kind of place, something Hijikata hadn’t expected to find in the red light district. It doesn’t appear to be a front for anything, either, from what Hijikata can tell.

The atmosphere is bright and comfortable. Unfortunately there is something a little too bright sitting right before Hijikata.

“It’s in my professional nature to create a ~charming~ mood,, okay, clearly wasted on you. What’s got you all defensive, huh,  _ Hijikata-han _ ? Can’t handle some jokin’ around?”

“That’s in  _ my _ professional nature,” Hijikata echoes back dryly, wondering what part of this idiot he even for a moment suspected to be dangerous. 

‘Shiro’ squints at this response, but is spared a reply when the third parfait is delivered. 

“So what do you know?” he asks, his words muffled somewhat as he shovels dessert into his mouth with unnerving speed.

“What?”

“You know, the drug thing. What do you know about it?”

So it takes three parfaits to unlock his willingness to cooperate??? 

“....Why do I have to tell the person that I’m paying to tell me what he knows what I know?”

“Eh? What? A tongue twister?”

“You knoW WHAT I MEAN.”

‘Shiro’ rolls his eyes and points his spoon at Hijikata accusingly.

“Ugh, yes, but what if I tell you something you already know? Then you’ll be all ‘ _ damn that white demon, I was fooled by his dashing good looks, but it turns out he’s a good for nothing after aaaalll’  _  and then I’ll come off as a huge idiot that only tells people what they already know and-”

“Oh. My God. Fine.” 

Hijikata takes another sip of coffee, letting the bitter taste calm him down a little, then clears his throat.

“Right. So, word has been out for a few months now about this new psychoactive drug, in slang referred to as ‘Love’. The exact origin is unknown, but it’s clearly being shipped in from other planets.

The effects are initially said to be euphoric, but highly addictive. If taken in copious amounts can lead to a whole array of nasty side effects like extreme stomach and chest pains, heart palpitations, delusions, depression,  and in extreme cases, death. 

Usually this isn’t an area of interest for the Shinsengumi, but recently there have been rumours of suppliers being tied to J-.................................oi. Are you listening?”

‘Shiro’ starts, dull red eyes blinking away the pretense of sleep. He frowns at Hijikata, stifling back a yawn to say:

“Sorry, I just have a condition where exposition puts me to sleep. Can’t be helped..”

“YOU-!!!! YOU’RE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME TO SAY IT.” 

“I thought it would buy me some time to think of what to tell you…..”

“Do…..you don’t actually know anything, do you?? This past half hour has been a complete waste of my time??? Give me back the money.” 

“AHH ahh, aww come on, don’t be like that ~”  the host shifts gears again, dropping his voice back to the honeyed tones he’d used earlier. He runs his tongue along the back of his spoon, smirking a little.

“You’re right, the supplier comes from out of town, and it was purposely synthesized to cause a ruckus down here. But it’s made in a way that can still be produced on Earth…. 

Now, I’m only speaking hypothetically, but if there was a certain abandoned warehouse near the docks at -----district that’s a little too heavily guarded for an empty base…..would you consider that a waste of your time?”

Hijikata sits back, running this newfound information through his mind. He instinctively pulls out a cigarette and, just as he remembers he’s out of a lighter, ‘Shiro’ already has a light held out for him to use. 

Hijikata nods in gratitude, tilts his head to catch the tip of his cigarette to the flame, and takes a small puff to start the light.

“Is that so-” 

“‘Scuse me? Nee-san? Do you mind moving me to the non-smoking section, I can’t enjoy my meal with all this tobacco stench”  sounds a rather familiar voice from the booth behind, cutting Hijikata off. 

Hijikata tenses for a moment; a blood vessel pulses under his eye. 

“Sougo, you little  **shit** ” he growls, kneeling on his seat to glare over the top of the booth at none other than Okita Sougo, halfway through slurping down a bowl of noodles.

“Ah. Hijikata-san,” Sougo tilts his head up to face the wrath of the vice-chief.

“Now that Shiro-san has been kind enough to let us know about the warehouse, how do you think we should proceed with the investigation?”  he aks nonchalantly, raising his bowl closer to his mouth. 

“Aren’t you a litTLE LATE TO BE JOINING IN? How long have you been sitting there??”

“Hmmmehrmmhmmmhrmm” Sougo replies seriously through a mouthful of noodles.

“I thought you had to go see Kondo” the corners of Hijikata’s mouth are twitching up, but he is far from smiling.

“Uh…..oh yeah. That was …..a false alarm…?”

“Sougo, I’m literally going to kill you with my bare hands.”

“Aha ummm,”  ‘Shiro’ interjects, clanking down his empty parfait glass (next to the two other empty glasses), and rises from his seat. 

“As much as I’d like to stick around to watch some cop-on-cop violence, I do have other engagements so….”

“What ? That’s all? But we barely started talking-”

“Now, now, Hijikata-han. Some sweets are meant to be savoured, you can’t expect me to give my all on the first~ date~”

‘Shiro’ clasps a hand to Hijikata’s shoulder; even through the fabric of his yukata, Hijikata can feel the warmth of his skin. 

He leans in closer, so that his curls brush against Hijikata’s cheek. 

“If this was of any help, give me a call~. My number’s on the back of my card.” 

Hijikata flinches slightly, but ‘Shiro’ has already pulled back, winking cheekily as he does so.

…..

“Hijikata-san…..”

“What.”

“Your cigarette's burned halfway through, all the ash is falling to the ground...”

Ah, fuck. He hadn't even noticed.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if this will ever come up but i just want u all 2 know that   
> takasugi is also a host at the same club as gin and he goes by "shin" lol.......


	3. In Google Docs I Call This Fic "Strawberry Mayo"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gintoki pov

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello.... I hope you all remember me and my dumb ass. 
> 
> i have no good excuses , just writer's block and busy life schedule. i am deeply sorry for the delay
> 
> thank you for your patience, of which i am undeserving but eternally grateful. i hope this silly chapter of mine has something to offer u . like it's so dumb but idk i had fun writing it gd.jldjglkjsglkjt

“Listen, I’m just sayin’. We all already know that Joseph Joestar is the handsomest of all the Jojo’s. That voice, unparalleled sexiness.” So says Shiro--that is, Sakata Gintoki, reeling in that sweet, sweet commission.

“Ugh, you’re obviously biased.” the client to Gintoki’s left scoffs, batting her hand dismissively. She’s already tipsy, her glasses sitting slightly crooked on her nose.

“Biased? Me? Perish the thought.” Gintoki pouts, but takes the chance to lift his hand to Left Client’s face and adjust her frames for her.

She flushes, but recovers fast enough: “Listen, I’M just sayin’. You better just stick to hosting.”

“Ohhhh, speaking of-- Shiro~!” chimes the client to Gintoki’s right as she leans in abruptly, spilling some of her oolong-hai in the process.

“I’ve always wondered, but If you weren’t a host, what kinda job would you do??”

“Hmm...” Gintoki, halfway to raising a flute of champagne to his lips, pauses.

“Believe it or not, ever since I was little, I’d always wanted to be... a policeman!”

Both clients snort in unison. “ PFFFFFF. You?! A Cop???”.

“Oiiii, don’t laugh. I think I’d look pretty good in uniform, non??”

“NO!”

WELL then.  

“And? What happened?” Right Client leans in even closer, pressing her shoulder against Gintoki’s arm.

Gintoki drains the rest of his champagne in one go, sets the flute down with a clink.

“Well, instead of catching bad guys…” he slides his arm around Right Client’s waist, eliciting from her an elated trill of laughter.

“I just became one~”

*

 

Several drinks later, as Left Client is dozing off in a drunken daze during an impromptu karaoke session held by the other hosts, Right Client squeezes Gintoki’s arm and pulls him in, close.

“Shiroooo, since you’re one of the bad guys, I’ll tell you this~. There’s a place just a few blocks over, I think you’ll find interesting.”

The rest of her hushed whisper is drowned out by the clamour around them, but Gintoki hears what he needs.

Interesting indeed.

*

 

With the arrival of dawn, so ends Gintoki’s shift at CLUB JOI. His night’s work done with no small damage to his liver but hey, that’s just business, baby.

“Okayyyyy, I’m off~,” Gintoki trills, adjusting his suit jacket as he makes his way through to the back of the club.

On his way out, he passes Shin--that is, Takasugi Shinsuke, collapsed in a chair with his head in one hand. Red shirt unbuttoned past his chest; eyepatch loose, slipping over his flushed cheek. His good eye, peeking between his fingers, follows Gintoki’s passing by with a glare.

“The sun is gonna rise soon, edgelord. Hurry before you start burning ~”

Takasugi wordlessly raises his middle finger.

Haha. Bastard.

Gintoki staggers out the back door to emerge into the outside, hit with the brisk early morning air. A far cry from the stench of liquor and perfume still hanging off his clothes.

Gintoki begins his voyage in an S-trajectory through Kabuki-cho’s many shady ass back alleys. As he moves along, he notes the increase in stragglers lingering outside of the hotels and clubs, listless, their eyes all sharing the same dull  expression.

A man standing under a streetlight, staring up at the still-dark sky; a woman weeping  on the side of the curb.

Victims of Love, huh.

Gintoki’s stomach churns suddenly, forcing him to double over and hold onto the nearest building wall for support. After steadying his breaths, he looks up to see a man clad in a dark yukata and straw hat approaching.

Happens more often than you’d think.

“Hey there, nii-chan~” the man greets softly. It’s still too dark out to make the guy’s face. There’s also too much perm in Gintoki’s eyes to make out this guy’s face.

Honestly, the fic author can’t afford to waste any more time on this NPC.

Gintoki chokes down something very vile from crawling up his throat.

“y-yooo.....”

The NPC’s voice lowers a touch, and he points to Gintoki’s chest.

“You look like you could use some Love ™”

Ahh. How cliche. Guess this particular alley really is a hotspot.

“Mmmm maybe so. But too bad,” Gintoki slurs, straightening himself up. He throws his arm around the NPC’s shoulders, causing the both of them to stumble forward.

“I'm immune to love~”

“Eh?”

“Ya know, since I sell it every day _*:･ﾟ✧”_

The NPC immediately tenses up and steps back, his eyes narrowing with concern.

“Are you pushing ?” he hisses, shoving Gintoki’s arm aside. This probably wasn't the exchange the NPC was hoping for.

“Ehhh, but aren’t you the one who pushed me just now?” Gintoki slurs, putting his hands into his pants pockets coyly.

“What? N-no...what?? I meant ...are you………………....dealing Love?”

“But of course, such is the duty of a host~”

Pause.

“ Do you get it??”

“ No”

“The comparison is honestly pretty shoehorned. We both inject clients with the illusion of love, for a fee, right? The only difference is, you provide them with a needle and syringe, while my ‘love needle’ is in my pants. --”

“Look, I’m sorry I asked” the NPC backs away, visibly distraught by this whole encounter. He adjusts his straw hat, supposedly to obscure his already utterly forgettable face, and fades away into the night.

Gintoki counts: one...two….three. Then withdraws a baggie from his pockets, the baggie that he’d swiped from the unsuspecting NPC just moments before. Easy peasy.

A baggie full of... yeah, this is clearly garbage quality Love. It’s easy to tell this shit is cut with plenty of unnecessary toxic ingredients. No wonder the users on this side of town seem to be so fucked

Well well. This is surely enough of an excuse to call a certain demonic vice chief, is it not?

*

 

“And then I called you two hours later because I needed to lie down for a hot second,” Gintoki recounts.

“......................................................”

“Hmmm? Is there something wrong, Hijikata-kun?”

Hijikata huffs a little, probably wishing he could take a quick angry puff out of his cigarette. These no-smoking rules are really trying him, so he’s making do by tetchily tapping his foot against the tiled floor.

“I know that you know that everything is wrong.”

“...Do I?”

“You do. Wanna just? Kindly remind me why we’re having this conversation through a fucking toilet stall ina kabuki theatre washroom???”

Ah. That makes sense. Gintoki hums sagely.

“There are times in a man’s life when he has no choice but to go with the flow, Hijikata-kun,” he explains through strained breaths, doubling over on the toilet seat with his head facing the floor.

“And today the ‘flow’ happens to be the six litres of Dom Peri ‘flowing’ out of my go-hole.”

Gintoki hears a snap, either the sound of Hijikata’s blood vessels bursting under pressure, or the sound of Gintoki’s own go-hole bursting under a very different pressure.

“Ya know, I could’ve just waited for you to finish shitting.” Hijikata hisses through clenched teeth, delivering a hard kick to Gintoki’s stall door.   

“I thought the demonic vice-chief of the Shinsengumi would prefer to be in the front lines of battle.” Gintoki, still staring at the floor, can see Hijikata pacing on the other side of the stall, towards the front. Towards the right side, a shadow flickers.

Gintoki gasps softly.

“Wait, don’t tell me you’re the type to patiently wait and yearn for your man when he is at war??”

“ ‘K, I’m leavin’. Good luck with your liquor shits.”

“Ehhhhh, I was just joking, Hijikata-kun? Hii-jii-kaa-taa-kuuuuun? Again??? Are you just going to leave before I give you the intel??”

“DON’T NEED IT, YOU SHITTY PERM.”

Hah. Gintoki smiles slightly, raises his head and lowers his voice to a soft, meaningful lull.

“Even if this place is a front for a love den?”

A deep pause. A drop of water echoes through the room.

...

 

**“BASTARD, TELL ME SOMETHING LIKE THAT SOONER”**

Gintoki tries so hard to hold back a snort, it comes out like a mangled choke. He rises, standing over the toilet, and pushes down the flush with his foot.

He emerges from his stall to face a FUMING Hijikata Toshiro-kun. God he’s so cute, he’s even in his casual blue attire again.

However, before Gintoki can even think about making his way to the sink, the door to the toilet stall next to him BURSTS open.

Standing before Gintoki and Hijikata, breathing hard, with his sword unsheathed and his phone out, is none other than--

“Who are you?” Gintoki snaps, pointing accusingly with unwashed hands.

“YOU WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT ME” shouts an NPC that Gintoki has definitely never in his life seen before.

“....??? Are you sure? “

...“I’m the Love dealer you met literally. Just a few hours ago. You even stole from me, you bastard.”

Gintoki taps his finger to his lips thoughtfully.

“Gosh, this is so awkward. I never know what to say when a one-night-stand comes at me out of nowhere. Look, I’m sure what we had that night was special, but it’s time to move on……..”

The NPC inhales, counts to ten, then exhales.

“I had a feeling you were a narc,” he continues, as if the last few sentences hadn’t happened.  He slips his phone back into his pocket. With both hands now free to grip the hilt of his sword.

“But I didn’t think you’d be foolish enough to bring the cops, unarmed to our terf. Sure hope you’re ready to die.”

Gintoki turns to Hijikata with a nonchalant shrug.

“So he says.”

The distinct patter of feet increases from outside the room. Hijikata flicks his blue eyes back to the door behind them.  

“About ...ten--no, fifteen men covering our exits, huh” he mutters coolly, twisting his own neck until it cracks.

“Think of all the perps you’ll have to interrogate” Gintoki purrs, shifting his body so that his back is against Hijikata-kun’s.

“Ah, yeah. You have my thanks. Two choco parfaits.”

“Surely you’re joking. My services don’t come cheap.”

“Fine. Three.”

“No less than four, and that’s final.”

“You sure your asshole can handle digesting four choco parfaits?”

“You’d be surprised by what my asshole can handle--”

“ENOUGH flirting,”  NPC-san cuts them off, slamming his hand against the toilet stall. This signals the rest of his party to swarm the room, all armed. Just an absolute mob of mob characters.

“You can continue this cute banter in the grave.”

Hijikata spits to the side,. “Who’s flirting? Hey, Perm. Try to stay out of my way.”

Gintoki winks. Everyone loves a tsundere.

*

 

Hijikata-kun sets the whole thing brawl off with an impressively high kick. Impressive not just because of this surprising and frankly alluring display of flexibility, but also because it happens so fast that Gintoki doesn’t even have the opportunity for an upskirt peek.

Truly formidable.

The kick lands directly in the face of the nearest foe, causing the man to stumble back into two others. Using the disarray to his advantage, delivers another hard kick to the same man, pushing forward to grab the sword from his hand. Oooh, they’re in for it now~

Not one to be outdone, Gintoki grabs the nearest utensil at his disposal -- a ...paper towel? And throws it right at the toilet NPC. The paper towel just kind of limply falls on the floor.

“What are you even trying to accomplish--” the NPC starts snidely, making the fatal mistake of gloating instead of defending. This gives Gintoki the perfect opportunity to just punch him in the fucking forgettable face.

Don’t underestimate the packing strength of a host’s gaudy rings!!

*

 

The toilet clean-up session only takes fifteen minutes 

The whole gang of idiots running the Love den are having their incapacitated asses incarcerated, rounded up by backup Shinsengumi members. The rest of the theatre is being raided and inspected. All in all, a huge haul for the tax thieves today.

Through all this commotion Gintoki slips out quietly, into the now-bright morning light. He ruffles the back of his head thoughtfully: talk about working overtime.

But there’s more: just as he passes the closest side street to the theatre, he’s pulled in and slammed against a backlane dumpster.

“Ehhh, how bold, Hijikata-kun~”

“Shut up.” Hijikata mutters, pulling apart Gintoki’s button-down, running his narrowed blue eyes over his body. Whatever he’s looking for, he clearly doesn’t find it, and he relaxes his hold on Gintoki’s clothes. Though his hands are still hanging onto the red cloth of his shirt….is he doing this on purpose?

“Did that fight get ya rowdy, or what?”

“What the fuck are you talking about…”

“You ever heard of the suspension bridge effect?”

“..You’re about to hear of the supplex-bridge effect…”

Good one, Tosshi…

Hijikata sighs, shifts his face away from Gintoki for a moment, then turns back to make direct, piercing eye contact.

“I still don’t trust you,” he starts, squinting a little. Does he realize how close he is ..?!?!!

“But you did good work in there. Guess even a host can hold his own when it comes down to it...”

Oho?

Gintoki shuts one eye, flashes Hijikata a mischievous smile.

“And? How many parfaits does assisting in a drug bust compensate me for?”

Hijikata rolls his eyes, but makes no snappy comeback. What, has this morning’s fight taken away his edge?

And that’s the last thought Gintoki thinks before Hijikata yanks his shirt towards him and touches his lips to his own. A brief kiss, just long enough to be sweet, but too quick for Gintoki to recover.

“None.”

Oh fuck.

Gintoki just got _got._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i rewrote this chapter like 17 times. i took out so many obscure goofs like you all don't even know how i spared you

**Author's Note:**

> ( ͡⌐■ ͜ʖ ͡-■) please comment if u would like, it raises my HP and gives me strength in combat


End file.
